You're going to be here in six hours, so stop calling!

I've talked to my parents at least eight times today, for no good reason at all. Everyone whose parents are already here, feel very, very lucky. Here are my phone calls today so far:

11:00 am - Mom calls to make sure I got my hair done. No mother, I'd like to look like a hobo in all my pictures. After informing her that I was, in fact, on the way back from the beauty shop, she says, "Oh. Well does it look nice?" No mother, it looks like ass. Why would I bother getting it done if it didn't look nice? She bitches for a while about how much stuff she has to get done before she leaves town, then tells me she'll call me back because she's at the bank.

11:22 am - Mom calls back. She's annoyed because my dad isn't helping in the preparations because he had to work this morning. She's annoyed that the bank was so slow. She's annoyed that she had to take the dog to the kennel. She's annoyed that my brother doesn't get out of school until 3pm. She's annoyed that I made the Saturday dinner reservations for so late. Finally, something I can deal with, I think, so I say, "Do you want me to move the reservation up to like 6pm?" "Well," she says annoyed. "I don't know about that. I think eight is kind of late for dinner and your grandmother might be tired by the time we're done. (start martyr voice) But what do I know? Call your father at work and see what he thinks, it's his mother."
Damn.

11:40 am - I call my dad. No answer on the cell. No answer on the work phone. I suspect he's avoiding my mom's calls. I change the dinner reservation for 6pm anyway.

12:05 pm - Dad calls me back. I explain about dinner plans. He explodes. "I don't know why she told you to call me; why do I care about what time we eat dinner? She's the one who's all upset about it. Ever since she realized you were graduating she's been in a tizzy. She was going over to the neighbor's house to give them the address of where we're staying! I said, 'Shirley, why do they need the address? They're not sending us a package; just give them the phone numbers!' I don't know what's wrong with her. And this morning she..." I realize then that my father, is in fact, the one in a tizzy. I hum to myself until he pauses for breath, make an excuse and get off the phone as quickly as possible.

2:50 pm - Mom calls to find out if I changed the reservation. "Aren't you with Dad?" I say. "Didn't he tell you?" Bad idea. This sets her off on a rant about my dad. I hear him grumbling responses to her critisizms in the background. As the rant reaches its peak I pretend to lose reception and hang up.

2:57 pm - Mom calls back. I tell her I went under a bridge. Then I explain about dinner and quickly get off the phone.

4:05 pm - My brother calls on behalf of my mom. Apparently their flight has been delayed for an hour. They're getting in at 7pm instead of at 6pm. This would be important except for the fact that they're waiting around for my uncle to get in and his flight doesn't land until 7:20 pm anyway. Plans have not changed. Phone call is pointless. I tell my brother this, he agrees, and we hang up.

5:10 pm - My brother calls again. They're boarding the plane now. Plans have still not changed. Phone call is once again pointless. "Oh," my brother says just before hanging up, "Mom wants to know what the weather's like." My mother has asked me this everyday for the last six days. Everyday I tell her the same thing, "hot and humid, maybe it'll rain." Today is no different. Additionally, we have the weather channel at home, and she could have found out the weather at any point in time without calling me. And what can she do about it when she's boarding the plane anyway? If I say we're having a freak blizzard, she can't run home and pack sweaters and overcoats. I tell my brother the weather and hang up the phone.

Be happy your parents are already here.