Thanks...and, um...thanks again

I hate writing thank you cards. I know I should be appreciative of all the graduation cards (and more importantly checks) that I've received, but writing thank you notes is one of the most painful things in the world to do. It must be done, however, because if you don't write them, everyone that sent you something will think you're an ungrateful bitch, and even worse, your mom will nag you until you give up and say "Fine, I'll do them now!" To which she'll reply, "It's too late now; it would look tacky to send them out so late." The she'll hold these unwritten thank you notes over your head for the next ten years. Trust me, if there's one thing your mom doesn't need, it's additional reasons to make you feel guilty. This is why, a week after graduation, I've decided to finally sit down and write the damn things. The problem is that I have nothing to say besides "Thank you." For some reason, however, it is inappropriate to send out a post card with the words "Thanks a lot!" on the front and your hastily scrawled signature. No, in the world of proper etiquette, you must instead, write a note. This is easy when you're writing to your grandma:

"Hey Grams, just wanted to say thanks for the check. Hope you and Grandpop are doing okay, and I promise to come visit in a few months. Hope your arthritis isn't bothering you too much! Love, the grandkid who lied and will never visit you."

This is easy. Unfortunately, it's not so simple when you have to write a thank you note to that lady with the big hair who works with your dad.

"Dear Lady,
Thanks for the card. Even though there was no money in it, it brought me a few moments of joy, or at least anticipation as I opened it expecting a check. Of course the disappointment that followed was kind of harsh. Anyway, thanks again for the boring-ass-no-money bearing card!"

Ugh. So far I have nine cards laid out in front of me all starting with: "Dear (insert name here), thank you for the graduation gift." Even with the smallest cards I could find, and writing as large as I can, I still have to write at least one more sentence. Damn, this sucks.